Angst-Ridden
The combination of listening to Lauryn Hill's Unplugged album and reading others' weblogs (no, I'm not the only one who indulges herself in not-quite-daily personal rants and whatnot) has made me realize I'm too censored in this thing.
I feel like going off and really letting fly what's on my mind. Some may say I already do that. Some may not. Maybe if I allow myself to develop more angst, then I can really use my words to affect. Cuz we all know I don't do that. Having gotten all that off my chest, I'll just revert back into myself and discuss the activities of the day, boring though they may have been. I'm still holding off Freud. I haven't found myself in the space to delve any deeper into his theories on sexuality. Tomorrow, I swear.
I was in my old 'hood tonight. I chilled a bit at City Hall Park. It's the park right outside City Hall. They were really stretching with the name, I suppose. The reason I was there was because I was supposed to go to this play-type thing tonight. Susan Sarandon was performing at the Tribeca Playhouse. My friend Rob lives down there in a complex that looks like it has 325 stories and we planned to meet there. When I arrived, I had to wait to be announced. So I waited patiently for this woman to collect her dry cleaning from behind the counter.
While the doorman/concierge guy was fumbling through various drawers for this woman's package (in addition to her dry cleaning), I just looked ahead. I checked my hair in the mirror, made sure I still liked my glasses, considered how long I could go without eating, and wondered what gel this guy used to get his hair to do that. Finally, recognizing my annoyed complacence, he finally decided to address my presence. "Can I help you, sir?" he asked in a rush. "14K."He dialed the number, while still trying to deal with the stupid woman standing next to me holding rather hideous blazers in plastic. "What's your name, sir?" the flustered doorman asked. "Catherine," I replied. I don't flinch anymore. I'da given him another name but Rob wouldn't have known who it was. The woman, standing to my left, immediately turned her head. I could just hear the thoughts: "Catherine? That's a funny name for a guy."
I think I'm going to start playing a little game with these people. My friend has a friend named Mackenzie. I said that she could go by "mack." She does. Maybe I'll try that. So I think I'm going to come up with names depending on my mood. Maybe I'll use gender-neutral ones. But that would defeat the purpose of my intention to change the world's gender ignorance.
I'll think about it. I'm definitely changing, though. I used to alter my voice just a bit in order to take the edge off of its depth. I didn't do that tonight. I didn't have the desire to. People can take what I give them. I realize that, at times, it may be at great risk to me, but what can you do? Live in fear? If something is going to happen, it's going to happen. So these two people, much older than I, have a story to tell over dinner. Such a leo I am: to think someone would be discussing me over dinner. Speaking of gender discrimination, Paige (stephanie) got a call today from the same temp agency who loves me so much. Remember them?
The woman kept telling me to call back. And I'm pretty sure it pained her greatly. You can just pick up someone's vibes over the phone. Well, it turns out they actually call. I should know. I talked to the woman who called for Paige. And she was desperate to get a hold of her. "Is there another way I can get a hold of her?" she asked.
I gave her the cell number. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure the woman just didn't want me representing them. Does it hurt? Fuck it. Who cares? Maybe I'll call the agency tomorrow and ask for that woman. And maybe I'll really freak her out by flirting with her. Ask her out. "ow you doin'?" Bitch. Back to the apartment story. As I wasn't in the mood to care this time about my genderfuck, I proceeded to the elevator. It took a little too long for my liking to arrive but when it finally did, who stepped off with his hands on a girl but Joey McIntyre. New Kids on the Block/"Boston Public" guy. Hmmm. I didn't seem to care about that, either. Rob had a friend over who was also coming with us. It turns out he's really cool. So hopefully we'll hang out again. And a friend of ours, Anna, came. Unfortunately, Susan Sarandon didn't. She's filming a movie somewhere, so we'll go back another time. What else is going on in my head? Too much, actually. And yet, not enough.
It's late. Lauryn Hill is still going. I have a new story assignment. Freud to read. Basketball to miss. A bruised heart to ice. And I found out my Ellen Degeneres on HBO plans fell through. So if anyone on the west side wants to record it for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'll do your dishes for one night or something when I'm over there. Or maybe I'll just drink a beer with you. It airs June 28th. I just want to see how they edited it. (I don't hope they caught me on camera or anything like that. Yeah right. I hope my face is emblazoned across the screen for all the world to see. Who's that hot chick...actually, they'd probably say "who's the hot dude?")
I'm just babbling now. This day needs to fucking end. Sleep should do the trick.
