Beware, Psychobabble Ahead

I'm nearing the end of my westward sojourn, and I am really excited to get back home. When I left New York, I gave little thought to what I expected to get from this trip. I merely looked to it as a bit of a respite from the summer in New York, my apartment, my life. I guess you can call it a vacation. But I got a lot out of this trip. A lot of things have gone through my head, and I was even able to continue this personal growth trip I seem to be on.

I haven't referred much to this growth of mine on this site, because, well, it's personal. But now I wonder if this blog isn't personal, then it's not successful. So how about some raw emotion? I entered the summer much the same way I re-entered California.

After I turned in my final paper, I began my summer, unaware of the thoughts, feelings, and realizations that awaited me. I moved into a sweet house, I continued reading, I got to know my neighborhood, and I prepared myself to turn 30. Now this actually didn't consist of much but planning my party invitation list but, nonetheless, it was preparation. As if something was going on behind the scenes, I felt I was changing. I started paying a lot of attention to myself, something that, believe it or not, I had never really done. Rather than looking at myself in relation to others, I began to pay attention to the thoughts that were in my head and the emotions happening in my heart. I'm not saying this was easy. But I'm not saying it was hard, either. This process, which I'm probably not explaining very well, was amazing. I stood on my roof one evening, alone in the dark silence it affords me, wanting to shout to anyone who would listen that I had "found myself."

Ok, that's a bit dramatic. I didn't want to scream. I was concerned with the folks who were sleeping around me. And I hadn't really found myself, because this is something that I believe takes an entire lifetime. I intend to keep finding out who I am and what I am capable of until the day I die.

But what I did do was begin to understand the strength involved in overcoming the fear in looking deep within oneself to discover what's there. It's as if I have shed a layer of skin and have given myself the ability to continue to look within despite the fear factor involved. What's important is that I actually like who I found. I also became aware that this was culminating in my turning 30. The psychobabble isn't over so those bored can skip down toward the end where I discuss my last week. But first, I want to get into my trip out here. I'm in San Francisco right now at my friend Wendy's house. I took BART in, which doesn't even come close to the subway in NYC I miss so much.

Anyway, I've had some mixed feelings about being here. It was wonderful catching up with friends, having hours-long heart to heart conversations in person rather than on my roof with a pack of cloves at 2 a.m. But I was down for quite a bit of my trip. I felt like I didn't belong. I failed to consider the fact that I'm not attached to the place, but rather to the people. My friends. I went from house to house to house, sleeping on a couch here, a futon there, and on one night, even a mattress-less futon frame. I've packed my bag a number of times, done laundry when I could, wrestled with dial-up connections, and got to know TIVO (a wonderful thing). The time I spent alone, I spent thinking a lot.

I thought about my past, my present, and my future. I was riding the wave of my latest introspection, using it to get me through my present circumstances. It took me getting away from New York to realize that I no longer felt like a visitor there. It's my home. And I'm creating roots there who I miss really badly right now. I also discovered that I must be in school. I realized how much I love it and that I miss it. In fact, I belive part of my feeling displaced was that I wasn't in school.

These were two great big things that I had figured out and I felt really good about them. I have decided to pursue a doctorate. But first, I must apply. I have the confidence in myself (another thing I realized this summer) to continue my studies. I have the passion for gaining more knowledge and for passing it on. I thrive on talking about mine and others academic interests. I thrive on writing. And this is yet another thing I have discovered this summer. Yes, I am in pain when I'm not expressing myself through words. So I am on my last weekend in California. I still love this place. But I love my life in New York. I had no idea my life would take the turn it has in the last couple of months.

But I'm excited. And that's that. I was made aware in one of the comments that I failed to mention the fact that I attended my friend Riley's first anniversary party. On a blazing hot summer day in Sacramento, I headed over to his house to join the gathering of friends and family in celebrating his 1st year. I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in a while, and I spent some time in the sun on the phone to the chagrin of Riley's mama. But she took a picture of me so she couldn't have been all that pissed (I'm smirking at you, Kristy...). The frosting ended up in Riley's face so it was most definitely a success. As for the last week, well, I turned 30. Finally. And it was quite anti-climactic.

My party ended in a roundtable discussion of what it's like to be 30 and an exchange of words of wisdom for me. I also spent some time bidding adieu to my 20s, reassuring those present who were still in their 20s that they're actually a fun ride, and that I wouldn't change anything about them. They made me who I am. To sum this all up, I'm excited. I can't wait to see my room, my roof, my new futon sofa. I want to fill out my room a bit more, making it a little more warm. Candles, plants, a real bed. These are all things that will help make my physical space feel as settled as my emotional space.

School starts in three weeks (so I need a bloody desk) and I'm excited. Of course, I imagine that I may be longing for another summer vacation in a couple of months but I'll just have to ride that out. I've got a thesis to think about, I've got As to get, and I've got some serious writing to do. During the next three weeks, I am going to get back to my short story. I've been thinking a lot about it. I kin dof came to the "end," but it's far from over. I've decided to eliminate one of the two characters, a decision that was supported by a friend of mine, the expert reader. I don't know yet how it will end but I do know that I have to fix Reece. The character isn't very sympathetic right now. I want to make him more vulnerable, because I think the reader will care more about him. He's kind of a prick now, so I have some work to do. I haven't slept much in the last couple of days.

I think I got about four hours last night. Three of them were spent on the couch in Alia's livingroom with a remote in my hand and the television on. I thought going to her plush, down comforted bed would allow me to sleep the morning away to keep some sadness out but it didn't work. So I'm tired. It's 2:25 PST now and I just want to sleep. I'm not happy with this post and I feel like deleting the whole thing, but I'm not going to. I can't always be happy with what I write. I just wanted to kind of express what's been happening to me this summer. It may very well come up over the next year. In fact, I think it most definitely will, because it's in me.