Fears

There is something I've been wanting to write about now for a few weeks -- maybe even a month. I haven't been able to get my head around it, though. I think it was out of fear of what it really meant. Like if I brought attention to it, then it would become worse and be completely out of my control. But I've decided to address the issue here and now, because whether I bring it up or not, it will eventually be too big anyway.About a month ago, I was looking out my bedroom window and I noticed a spider web. I'm not talking about the innocent little webs that exist where the cute little harmless spiders (there really is no such thing, but I will grant that some are less assuming and therefore have less power over me) hang out in hopes of getting the next meal. No, it wasn't this sort of web. This thing was reinforced a thousand times over, powerful enough to catch thick leaves that fell from the tree overhead. Powerful enough to withstand crashing thunderstorms. Powerful enough to withstand my numerous attempts to destroy it by opening and closing my window. It remained. And day after day I watched it grow, take over more square footage of the area right outside my windows. But I never saw its inhabitant. I wondered where it was. I was certain there was no way it could get into my room. So I wasn't concerned about that. But where was it? I could only imagine that it left its web abode daily in search of small animals to eat. I was expecting to see flyers about neighbors' missing kittens. Then one day, I decided I would take a closer look at the web, much closer than I had in the past. I slowly approached the window, knowing I would be protected. Again I didn't see anything. But just as I turned to walk away, I saw something scatter by outside, as if it owned the roof. There it was. The Spider. King Arachnid. I approached the window again, this time with much more apprehension. And I think I even felt beads of sweat forming on my brow. Swallowing hard, I leaned my head in and spotted it in all its icky blackness. Just sitting there. What could I do? With no ideas, I flicked the window (because that would surely scare it to death). I expected it to jump a little. No. In less than a split second, it disappeared. Vanished. I didn't even see it move, what direction it went. It was gone. Again. That was the last I saw of it. From that day on, I was hoping that it had decided to abandon its set-up. I only saw those other harmless spiders -- harmless only because they were outside. The web was growing, but I decided to find a sense of calm in the fact that perhaps other spiders participated in its expansion. Not That One. We had more thunderstorms, more wind, I opened and closed my window more. But the web kept growing. It is now the width of my four windows. There are leaves suspended in mid-air just outside. And more little spiders. And it kept growing. But still, no sign of It. Until tonight. When I got home, I dropped my bag on the floor and emptied my pockets on my nightstand as I do every night. I looked up and over to the left. And that's when my heart stopped. It was there. Suspended in mid-air. Multi-colored black and brown legs. Bulbous, five-inch-wide spider body. Staring at me. Watching me. Mocking me. "What the fuck are you looking at?" it barked at me, showing me its fangs. I couldn't move. Its presence stunted any freedom I had to move about my room. I wanted to kill it. "Try it," it said. Luckily, Cornelia has a couple of friends visiting from Germany. Petra is just as afraid of spiders as I am. But her boyfriend Andy, my hero, came into my room to investigate. He immediatelly began thinking of ways to end this creature's life. A ladder. My landlord wasn't home. I can go through the window. There's no way in hell you're removing the screen, because the minute you do, all of the heretofore cute little harmless spiders will now become venemous creatures after my life. So it's there still. Sitting just five and a half feet away, suspended in mid-air just outside my window. The window under which I have to sleep. I don't know what's going to happen to me tonight, but I hope I make it through. Surprisingly, I don't feel any better after having gotten this off of my chest. But it's out there now. Maybe a hawk will swoop down from his magical perch in the sky to rescue me from the evil clenches of this arachnid. Or maybe it will just have a spider heart attack. Whatever happens, I just want it out of my life. I no longer want it threatening me. I must be brave now and try to sleep.