I Was Almost Killed by a Magpie

When you're walking through a small corner park with four green reusable bags of groceries in the middle of a sunny day and listening to talk radio with your face forward, you don't pose much of a threat. But there was a magpie yesterday whose midst I entered, and it wanted me dead.

Okay, so it didn't actually almost kill me. It didn't really touch me, either. And I really have no way of telling for sure if he even got that close to me. An inch? Ten feet? Who can know? But something happened. A gust of wind by my right ear, maybe. A message from those who came before me (look out!). It was something, and it made me slow my pace and peer over my right shoulder.

And that's when I noticed the black and white bird settling on the grass, wings still flaring a bit, beady damn eyes looking right at me.

Magpies are seemingly harmless creatures, but they suddenly make you feel like you're in grave danger, Alfred Hitchcock style. I don't even want to think about the havoc a town full of them would wreak.

After a few more steps, I turned around again. Yes, I was a little unnerved. Seeing the bird in the same spot, still looking at me, I quickened my pace, feeling that it would take flight at any minute and swoop till it clipped the back of my head. With that image in my head, and now a little more spooked, I turned around once more. Thankfully, I was no longer a threat.

Entire Web pages are dedicated to helping the helpless avoid their wrath. Here is a summary of what I have to contend with down here:

Why do they swoop?

Birds swoop to scare you away from their nest. A swooping bird:

• clacks its beak
• flies down towards you
• flaps its wings above your head and then
• may attack your face, eyes and head with its beak.

What do you do in a swooping-bird area?

• Avoid the swoop area. Walk or ride a different way.
• Cyclists should always wear a helmet. Get off your bike and walk through the swoop area.
• Put up warning signs for other people.
• Travel in a group. Most swooping birds only swoop individuals.
• Wear a hat in an area.
• Wear a hat with 'eyes' painted on the back or wear sunglasses backwards. This may stop magpies swooping.

Yeah, I'm really going to pain eyes on the back of a hat or wear sunglasses on the back of my head. So, in the event of an attack, what could I do?

• Be confident and face a swooping bird. Usually it attacks you from behind.
• Hold a stick or umbrella over your head.

Here is an example of how they go about their swooping business:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usFuPKyR2A0&hl=en&fs=1]

Damn them. Damn them all.