Isn’t This the First Day of Summer?

It's pouring. This is beyond ridiculous. I hope it doesn't rain next weekend. I think it's rained every single weekend for the last two months.

Next weekend is gay pride and I haven't participated in it for years because I overdid it by going three years in a row. Saturday is the dyke march and Sunday is the parade. The butch-femme group marches in the parade, which is something I've never done. "Step-off" is at 11. When she was talking like that, I told her it reminded me of being in the band in high school. That nice thick wool uniform and hat with a blue plume. Marching for three miles in Calgary's heat at the Calgary Stampede, trying with all my might to play band tunes. I can't believe I was in the band. I do miss playign the baritone, though. Or any instrument for that matter. I'm getting a mini drum lesson from Alia's boyfriend when I go to California. He's the drummer in The Knockoffs. Anyway, Yvette talked about the importance of doing it. She talked about those who are afraid to be in the march, or who are even afraid to come out. She's very persuasive. She even said for those of us who happen to be a little pregnant, there is a seat in the car...

I'm staying in my borough today. Paige and I got into a conversation about our "projects." It's helping me work through things but, unfortunately, it leaves me feeling completely ill-prepared to begin writing. It's daunting to be sure, but invigorating, as well. It's so easy for me to just say to myself, "I'm not going after a Ph.D." But when I can so easily fall into hyper-intellectual conversations about identity, fragmentation, the idea of "the third," wholeness, destruction, it leaves me wondering if I can/should actually continue studying.

All I know is that I get excited when I add another book to my reading list; when I make a connection between two theories originated in different epochs; when I feel the grinding in my grey matter produce a not-quite-yet original thought. It just makes me sad to think that it may all be over in less than a year from now. And then what? Back to California? Stay here in New York? I must use my brain for something big. I don't want to "go back" to something.

A year is a long time but all I know is it felt like I left California just yesterday. This year flew by. Well, it is only today and so to whet my thirst for knowledge now, I am going to do one of my most favorite things (which I haven't considered too much of a favorite of late): I'm going to a cafe to read. Paige and I are going to the Tea Lounge. Let's hope there are no babies within a five-foot radius of me.

I wouldn't mind someone drawing me, though. Still not too pissed about the ticket. I'm sure I will be when I write the check. Actually, now I'm pissed. Because The Hours comes out on DVD on Tuesday and I want it. It'll be hard to justify. But I have to pay for a ticket. The price of three DVDs. GRRRRRR. I'll just wait till school starts to get it.