Left Wanting Martha Graham

I'm being forced to attend a Martha Graham dance class tomorrow. This is, perhaps, one of the absolute last things I would want to do, but alas, I must.

And I must be prepared to discuss it in class. I don't know anything about dance. I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at. But I will try to go with an open mind. This means I have to wake up early, 9 a.m., and go up to E. 63rd. All I'll want to do is work on one of the three things that seem to be occupying my mind right now, that have me left wanting for more.

I "finished" my Passing paper, but have decided not to submit it tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday. But the longer it remains unsubmitted, the more things I have to juggle. I haven't begun my post-structuralist paper. Still don't know much about that theory. I wonder if the profs would let me get away with just not doing it. After all, one of them lost my paper twice.

The more I think about that, the more pissed off I get. Because also on that day, I came into contact with two other profs, both of whom seemed quite perturbed that I was in their company drinking wine. Assholes. I don't give a fuck if you've published paper after paper, or written book after book, there is something about mutual respect that takes someone places.

Your shit still stinks, and you're still uglier than I am, which, I must admit, is probably part of this particular prof's problems. Normally I wouldn't I confirmed the character of this one professor (who is the chair of one of the GF departments) who set me off with a colleague of hers. I went up to my boss and asked her what this woman's story was. She asked why. I said, "because she pisses me off." To which my boss replied, "well, she's a bitch." But they're good friends.

Stuck-up academics. Unfortunately, there is a place for them. And if by some miracle I get accepted into one of these programs, I will be around them. And try not to turn into one. I think my utter detestment of them is enough to safeguard me against going down that road. I'm trying to work on my statement of purpose right now speaking of probably not getting into a program. I haven't been able to concentrate all day and it's frustrating. The words aren't flying anymore. My ideas are stuck. I went to a party last night. I have one Saturday. And I have two the weekend after. I cannot wait until the end of next week. I imagine I will sleep for three days, getting up only to empty my bladder, which will have nothing in it, actually, because I will have been sleeping. We'll see.