Let’s Talk Thesis
As if I haven't already.
First of all, I think I may be sick of the word "thesis." It sounds pretentious. "I'm working on a thesis." "Oh, excuse me, I have to go work on my thesis."
People automatically think I'm some big academic wig when that comes out of my mouth. So I think I may just start calling it my "thing." Or my "paper." We'll see. For now, it's my "thesis." I had the pro-seminar tonight. This is the workshop setting in which 11 of us gather each week to discuss each other's projects.
Of course, they're all in a state of incompleteness each time, and it's understood, or at least it should be, that they can't be perfect. I have decided to re-examine my relationship to writing. I get very attached to what I do and it is hard at that point to take criticism. I don't think I'm like that anymore. I actually signed up for two more brow-beating sessions, wherein I will have to sit there while the other 10 people, including the professor, critique my work. The first of three total times is next Wednesday. I turned in eight pages today and already received positive feedback, so that's good.
I'm actually happy with what I wrote, with the process I went through, and am looking forward to the rest. But I'm not married to it, I don't think, so I'm anxious to see how it goes over and then how I take it.
The most inspiring thing I heard was from Miller himself, the chair of the department and, some long-time readers may remember my Modernity professor from my first semester. He said that the personal narrative angle is a good idea, but could be hard. But if I can pull it off, then it will work really well.After having thought about this idea more after I initially came up with it, I began to think the same thing. That is why I chose not to begin the workshop process with it. I want to sit with it more and develop it the best I can so I can "pull it off." Those were the exact words I used last Saturday with Margo and Elizabeth when we had our first official meeting of the minds. So I can either really fuck it up or make it a really good piece of writing. Let's hope for the latter.
The other good news was the confirmation of another decision I made last week, and that was to give up the analysis of Orlando. Miller tonight, again while responding to my proposal, pretty much gave me permission to just look at Hedwig. He said something about me being obsessed and to just go with it.
Obsessed? Ok, so maybe the magnets on the fridge and the framed poster with the autograph in it is a little obsessive. And the fact that I'm writing my thesis on it. But you know what, I have an argument to prove and Hedwig is gonna help me do it. If I can pull it off.
I submitted that essay for the lit magazine today. I'm just putting all kinds of stuff out there. It's a little exposing. I've been hearing how I hide behind a wall, thereby distancing myself from people. We had a discussion about the use of the word "you" in writing and the comments pretty much had to do with the fact that it's not "you" the audience, it's "I" the writer. How does the writer feel? I use the word "you" a lot in my writing. I have real problems.
That's probably what I've been struggling the most with in the past about writing. I've felt pent up because I've been unable to attach any emotion to the words I've been using, although emotion was/is all I have been feeling. And am feeling. I wish I could stop feeling, but I can't. So maybe that's where the energy for my thes-- thing is coming from.
I wish there was a switch I could flip on and off at will that would control my propensity to be attracted to, to fall into, to want, to need. I feel the lack of something and it's that lack that I'm stuck on. I can't define it. I can't put it into words for myself and that's what drives my frustration. Makes me want to just stop sometimes. And let everyone know that I'm here, in my big room with tan (or whatever color this is) walls, and futon mattress on the floor, alone, waiting, wanting, longing, lacking. And once I down another sip or two of Nyquil, sleeping.
