'May I Have Some Half and Half With My Coffee?'

"No, you American nincompoop, you may not."

I've never actually asked that question, so I have never actually received that answer. This is a good thing, because I'm not quite sure I'd know what to do in that case. "Yeah, well, fine!" It's probably all I'd be able to muster before running out the door with my ass between my teeth.

One of the great pleasures I had was coffee. Regular old coffee, brewed in a big aluminum cannister and sold on just about every block in New York. It was those, as well as the coffeemaker in the kitchen, which yielded about four cups each time and didn't require much cleaning.

The common denominator of these versions was the half and half I'd use to top them off. The creamy liquid, which I can't define as I later found out, turns a cup of regular coffee, in my opinion, from a boring old pillow you'd buy at a K-Mart to one of those expensive, satin-covered pillows you'd pay $200 for from whatever place charges those prices for high-quality pillows.

So imagine my shock and sadness when I found out that Australia has never heard of half and half. The shock intensified when I found out that you can't really go to a cafe and say, "I'd like a large coffee." You just can't. And that was a confusing time for me.

I'm not trying to debate those coffee snobs. I had heard a number of times from friends not born and raised in the States that American coffee is weak. It's disgusting, they'd say, and I didn't know what I was missing. Well, apparently not, as I didn't come of coffee age anywhere else.

But I liked what I like and that came to be the simple use of a little half and half. Like a special gift morning, midday, and night as the cases tended to be. But as my version was not to be here, I had to find some other stuff.

First was the flat white. Too much milk. Then came the cappuccino, which I'd had before of course. And then finally, I found, at the girl's behest, the long black.

According to Wikipedia, "a long black is a style of coffee, most commonly found in Australia and New Zealand, made by pulling a double-shot of espresso over hot water (usually the water is also heated by the espresso machine). A long black is similar to an Americano. The order in which a long black is made (water first, espresso second) is important; reversing the steps will destroy the crema from the espresso shots."

It doesn't come with anything, so I have to ask for milk. I go ahead and treat myself to full-strength milk, to try and make up for the lack of half and half.