Pugs and Princesses

I came to the realization about two things in the last two weeks. First, I want a pug. I won't ever get one, of course, because I couldn't be bothered to let the little thing out early in the morning. And taking it on walks? Although, I wonder what I would look like walking a pug through Park Slope. Hmmmmm. Uh-uh. Not getting a pug. But they're cute as hell.

Second, I have a very deeply disturbing response to the princess in Shrek. I saw the sequel a couple of weeks ago against my better judgment. Every time she was onscreen, I kind of cringed. I don't know what it was. The hair? Her nose? And when she and Shrek had the option of staying human, I was like "please, don't go back." My response to the princess was confirmed on my walk to the train after work yesterday when I looked up to find a ridiculous, practically block-long, ad that was on a construction platform. Of course, I immediately looked for the princess, so I could just stare at her. She's like a car accident. Disturbing but you just have to look. I think I may have nightmares tonight. I dig my new job. Going away from my six-year stint as an editor in the technology industry and then coming back to it helped me realize it comes naturally to me. And that's cool. I have confidence. Lacking it for two years was hard, so to be immersed in something for 35 horus a week that I feel confident about feels nice. I'm not changing the world doing it, but I'm getting a paycheck. And I have security.

So when I get off at six, I have the stability and peace of mind to devote to other things. Like changing the world. Or just writing a book. I started that Monday morning during my insomniated state. (No, "insomniated" is not a word.) This endeavor is something that I don't have confidence in. I never have.

That's why I've only been talking about it since I was in my early 20s, rather than sitting down and actually doing it. I lack confidence every time I sit down to write anything. Whatever it is.

"Does this sound good?"; "Will they like it?"; "This is shit." These are just a few of the things that go through my mind while I write. Confidence, or the lack of it, is a mysterious barrier that I will always feel burdened by. Its mystery, though, lies in my need to come out from under the burden. And perhaps when I hit "save" for the final time and do with it what I'm supposed to, that is my having come out from under the burden. And then I move on to the next project I'm working on, or I look for another one, only to start the cycle of inferiority all over again.