Ray Charles, Ethel Waters, and a Sweet Buffalo

I've been plagued recently by this overwhelming feeling that I am doing a lot of things in the wrong way. I hung out with Steve last night, and for the first time in a while laughed out loud. It turns out my friend from the F train and I have a lot in common when it comes to unleashing ourselves within desire's limits.

I went to bed. I managed to fall asleep. And I eventually woke up. But before that, I went on a bit of a ride that, although allowed me peaceful sleep, was a bit too much to decipher in my first wakeful moments this morning. The dream really has no beginning or end in my consciousness. I remember a street, Sylmar Ave. to be exact. This is the street I lived on for the nine years before I left the Valley for Chico, Calif.

I was rummaging through a car. Whose? I don't know; my mother did not own one. I came across some papers in a box. I don't know what they were. The only thing I knew was that they belonged to a woman I felt I had to find. The next thing I knew, I was standing outside of the car looking down the street. And approaching me, very slowly, very sweetly, was a buffalo. A buffalo in the San Fernando Valley.

As he came closer, I started walking toward him. And I pet him. Gave him a little rub on his neck. He was very sweet. A buffalo.Then suddenly, the dream cuts to a big room. I think it's my apartment at some point in my life. Logic would suggest it's the one on Sylmar, but it was too big. And there is no logic in dreams. But I walked into the room and saw Ray Charles standing at a microphone. There were a few people milling about but not necessarily to see Ray perform.

Then, with a quick glance to my left, I saw Ethel Waters standing at her own microphone. She was performing, but I don't remember that. I only remember she stopped to yell at the musician who came in too early with his sax solo. And she was young. I soon found myself on the phone, talking with my therapist. I asked her to help me move some things and she agreed but not before telling me it'd be an extra $50 for the buffalo. Then I woke up. There were other parts of the dream that I don't remember.

I know there was a woman (isn't there always with me?). She was supposed to be Ida, but she didn't look like Ida. We were on some kind of a trip. Staying here, visiting these people. So that part's all mixed up. Now I'm awake, pushing snooze over and over, knowing I should get up and try and do some writing before work, but not wanting to.

When I finally did get up, I made some coffee and got ready for work. Then I googled the buffalo thing. That, more so than Ray and Ethel, stuck with me. I pet the thing. After a few clicks, this is what I found:

From Dream Dictionary: If you dream of a single buffalo you will see an inordinate amount of income in the next few weeks but if you killed, or injured, the beast then you must, under no circumstances, accept any new venture offered to you. To dream of seeing a herd of buffalo presages peace and plenty. If a buffalo lets you pet it, you will have a tranquil married life. A tranquil married life? Couldn't be. First of all, a marriage, tranquil or otherwise, is illegal for folks like me. Second of all, I can't get past three months with a woman, so the word "life" in the same sentence as "marriage" just doesn't make sense. I kept looking.

From Dream-Land: The buffalo represents power and resolution. If you dream of a buffalo, you might have a considerable amount of income within next few weeks. If the buffalo is killed or injured, it is a bad omen: do not undertake any new ventures. Dreaming of a herd of buffalos will bring you a peace of mind and abundance. If buffalo allows you to pet it, you will have a nice tranquil married life.  This seems to have come from the same big dream book in the sky. I still wasn't satisfied.

From the Soul Future Dream Dictionary: A symbol of abundance; giving gratitude and learning not to take things for granted; endurance; strength; stubbornness, refusal to move or resistance to change.

Another interpretation I found suggests that the buffalo is the "keeper of pure, absolute knowledge." So there you have it. I'm supposed to get some money here soon, which is good, because I have none right now; I will be "married" (or hopefully one day be able to celebrate a six-month anniversary, which, to me, is kind of like marriage with my track record of failure); I'm stubborn (no I'm not); and I have to learn not to take things for granted (don't we all?). I liked the buffalo a lot. Now, as far as Ray and Ethel go, well, I'm not too sure.

I have no idea about the Ethel thing. However, I have been obsessed recently with the version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Ray and Betty Carter. In fact, I just put it on. And to take brutal honesty a little further, I have a fantasy of performing the song in a drag king number with some beauty to be named later -- in the fantasy. I've also been listening a lot lately to Nina Simone. So could the performer have been her? Or even Betty Carter? Who knows? Maybe they'll visit again tonight. I should probably talk to Elizabeth about this dream. Anytime one's therapist appears in one's dreams that's usually a good idea. We did discuss money when I saw her yesterday. She wanted to know my feelings about that. She always wants to know what I'm feeling.

Yesterday's session was a good one; they usually are, because she kicks ass, but we talked about all kinds of things: the myth of the black rapist; gender duality in one person and its significance in a relationship. Ok, in my relationships. And all kinds of other good things. I'm in a good mood now, just like I was three nights ago. I take them as they come and I'm trying not to analyze them. I do enough of that. I want very badly to contact Ida. It's been almost two weeks. Two weeks ago tonight, the two of us had falafel for Christmas Eve dinner. It couldn't have been any better than it sounds. Oh well, I say. Oh well this minute. I must go write somewhere else now.