(Really) Slowly But Surely

My computer is starting to act like my computer again. I just added the iPod software to it and have begun the arduous task of refilling it with the songs I lost. All 1,500 of them. And I have 3,500 left to go after that. If only I could find my software. Two years ago I bought a cool little nylon sleeve to hold it all. I wonder where the hell it is? Until I find it, I don't have a word-processing program. But that's all right, because I seem to be in the midst of another block.

I thought reading Henry Miller on Writing would help. While I was able to identify with some of the things he said, I found myself struggling against the whole "get everything out on the page" thing. Of course it doesn't sound so bad, because I am unable to relay any emotion in my writing.

So moving onto Basic Freud, I encountered another thing about being an "artist" that, rather than inspire me to unload, intensified the block. Mr. Kahn relayed an example of how artists are able to work well with the id, that raw impulse that beats beneath the surface. It manifests itself in artists of all kinds, going only mildly checked by the ego, that master of mediation that keeps us all in check. Well, some of us. I realize that there is some stuff beating in me, but I am struggling against something that is preventing me from letting it out. That emotion that keeps people turning the page. Dammit.  I just wanted to write about my iPod. And nothing else.

But there is some good news to report. I'm getting a bed. A real one. I'm no longer going to be sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor. Quite exciting. Something to look forward to. And while I'm still in the mood to write, I had a breakthrough tonight. It was pretty big. I took the picture of Nicole Kidman off the wall. I know. It was rather momentous. I also decided to finally remove the PhD rejection letters from the wall, as well. I just got sick of looking at them.

I won't be writing a comparative analysis of them, either. I'm over that idea, although I think it was a good one. I think walking by CUNY every day is enough. I had a thought about a week and a half ago (I know, they're few and far between) that I'm not sure I mentioned here. It was about memory and there being more than one side to it. I'm not ready to write about it yet, but perhaps when I do, it will be the beginning of my unleashed emotion. We shall see. And with that, I'm going to go to bed way past its time.