Stuck No More…For Now

I attempted to counter my ambivalence this week about my paper by writing its introduction. Unfortunately, this only increased it. I eeked out two terrible opening sentences, ones that wouldn't catch the attention of a ballpoint pen.

So I anxiously phoned a few of my friends who are also in my thesis class. No one was home. On a Friday night. Why were they not all suffering as I was? I interrupted this quest for words with a little more television. I watched a really really stupid show called "The Help."

I wanted to support the best I could Mindy Cohn, perhaps more popularly known as Natalie from the wonderful show "Facts of Life." But her latest project is nothing but a display of poor acting, poor writing, and an excruciating misplaced laugh track. I'm sorry, Mindy. The only thing that will keep this show on the air, besides Tori Spelling's strange multiple personality rendition, is the fact that it's on the WB. Maybe.

With such stellar company as "The Gilmore Girls," maybe it won't enjoy any security. I was finally able to reach Renata. I knew a conversation with her would help. After getting off the phone, I called another friend who has experienced thesis stress: Pavlina.That helped, as well. So I returned to my pages, deciding, once again, to put off my introduction until the end. I revisited the pages that were critiqued this week and I think I may have had a tiny breakthrough. It's nothing to get excited about, though; I anticipate not being able to be excited until it's turned in and out of my life forever. Maybe it will even take my donning a cap and gown. But nevertheless, a breakthrough was had, as I think I succesfully integrated my first account of outsiderness into my analysis of the first part of the film. If I can go back through what I've written this far, addressing some major points made by classmates, then I think I will be well on my way to seeing the end. So this is what I plan on concentrating on for the next few days. I'm interested in seeing where I'll be next week with it all. I always said that I wanted to feel this process.

To struggle through this so I feel that, at the end, I will feel accomplished. I can't say that I've struggled much up to this point. How in 37 pages I avoided that is beyond me, but I suppose this had to happen at some point. It's just hard work to have an argument and then guide readers through my thought process to make my point. I probably won't be able to get back to it till Sunday, because my friend Mary will be in town and we will surely do things outside of my house. Should be fun. I've been talking to my supervisor about job prospects upon graduation. She reminded me that I can keep my job at the records office. I'm happy/relieved about that, but I will, of course, look for something more permanent. And, well, more fulfilling. But it's nice to know that I can keep this gig. Especially because I think I will owe the IRS some money, which, although I expected, I'm not prepared to deal with.

I will find out the egregious sum tomorrow when I visit Helen's accountant. I'm a bit nervous. I should have kept better track of my expenses. But, really, I never was able to remember to save receipts for things like pens and printer ink. So we'll see. I'm happy to say that I discovered I have been linked to from A Mixed Blog. Wasn't I just a little concerned with feeling so exposed? Apparently that feeling has passed. In a way. I was reminded the other night, when discussing my strange feelings about my personal stuff being on display this week, that I have a blog. I do, of course. But it seems different. I technically don't know when it's being read. And I get very few comments about it. I think it's an interesting line. Who knows how I'll deal in the future.