Transcendent Planes

Plagued by an excruciating bout of insomnia this morning, I allowed my mind to wander to places it had never been. I've recently been faced with a situation that requires much thinking on my part, more so than usual, because it has to do with the condition of my heart. In considering a response, a meeting of the minds, if you will, I began to think of that moment when two people meet on a level that they had never before imagined themselves capable of reaching. So much of what I see around me is crap. I know very many people in relationships, well, maybe just a few, who go to great pains to create for themselves a cozy space. They do the dishes, pay the bills, wash the floors and copulate every once in a while because that's what they think they have to do. This is all well and good for some. And this is what I realized that I thought I was striving for. This companionship stuff that I hear so much about. When I think of companionship for myself, I have a hard time defining it in terms that mesh with my life. I find myself desiring something much higher, much deeper. The dishes would get done for fuck's sake, but I'm talking about the deep stuff that I believe people are afraid of. For a long time, I have been slow to show that side of myself out of fear that it would scare people away. But in my insomniated state, I was longing for it. But the difference was that I was longing for it in myself. I began to compose long speeches in my head about spirituality in life and the unspoken communication that occurs between lovers who just understand one another with the littlest effort. I decided I want that. But I don't want it without having first reached that place for myself. To know what each of my body's movements means. To understand that each thought I have must occur in order that I may reach the one that follows right behind it. To understand that the depths of solitude that I experience are not time wasted, but rather time recovered. I believe I have spent so much time running from the desperation of uncertainty that I have failed to stop and revel in it. Because any energy expended toward understanding must result in a semblance of truth. Whether the truth is the smallest grain of knowledge or an insurmountable wave of peace, I must reach it. I thought that if I have the most basic of my faculties together, then there would surely be someone on the outside who would present herself to me. But that hasn't been the case. And right now, and I think this speaks to my last post concerning my lack of objects, I don't need it to be the case. Henry Miller will narrate a scene and then expand on that scene by reaching to heights without limit to describe it. To describe what's out there for us, what drives behavior, to allow for the mistakes and embrace the lessons. I've rarely considered going the extra mile in thought to reach a higher place. But I have been recently. And these thoughts come to me piece by piece and they overwhelm. I've been in a really good space for the last couple of days. I don't understand it. But I'm enjoying it. Perhaps I will wake up in eight hours pissed off at the world and ready to attack any mother fucker who looks at me crooked. But for now, I feel content with everything I have and, more so, with everyone I don't.