What Did I Check Off My List?

Margo said she'd write a letter for me. Cool. I submitted my re-write for Snitow tonight. She seemed pleased. I'm so happy I have another paper due for them next week. I've thought about it a bit, but that's the extent of it.

I decided not to write a paper on Passing. I finished reading it tonight and wasn't impressed at all. It did nothing for me. Well, yeah it did. It annoyed me. So instead, I'm going to write a paper on The Song of the Lark. I figure I love the book so much that it would be a good move. Especially since this will be my writing sample for CUNY.

I saw Elizabeth. I was in a weird mood. I didn't know what to talk about. I hate that. So I talked about straight girls and how they flirt with me and how it's not fair. It's fun. But it's not fair.

It started with a conversation about Gwyneth Paltrow being in my dream last week. But it wasn't Gwyneth. It was Winter Girl (you know, the girl I picked up on New Year's Eve for whom I fell hard and by whom I was hurt). She was hot. But she hurt. Anyway, to confuse matters further, it wasn't Winter Girl. Not making sense? Imagine being me trying to sleep. What I realized was that this figure merely represented to me a woman in general. (And if she's going to take the form of Winter Girl through Gwyenth, then so be it. Although I would have preferred Ms. Kidman.)

She was holding me. I'm usually doing the holding. Apparently I need to be held. Aawwww. Don't we all? Whatever. So, yes, straight girls flirt, because it's safe. That's fine. I'll play. It'll be good practice, I suppose. I may take this up later. It's kind of fascinating. Maybe I'll start being that mack daddy/player person that a lot of people think I am. The opposite has not worked for me so far. From this, Elizabeth and I went on to a more general discussion of things. She thinks it's good I can't figure anything out right now. I don't. The last two or so months have been a blur. Actually, now that I think about it, the last 10 months have been a blur. And that's a very good thing, I think. But it doesn't help in my trying to identify what's going on in my head. Maybe it's for the best. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, they say. Whoever "they" is.

I have four sessions left with her. I can't believe that. I know I'm gonna keep seeing her in her private practice, but I had planned to have everything fixed by now. I guess 14 hours wasn't enough. She's got a lot more work to do. So let's continue this discussion of dreams. I was wondering just yesterday if I ever appear in anyone's dream. And if I do, why don't they tell me? I'm a narcissist. We all are. Well, just today, two people told me I was in their dreams last night. Crazy. I'm hooking up with one of them, Marcela, tomorrow. We haven't seen each other in a long time. School is crazy for both of us and she has a new boyfriend.I'm also hanging out with Sarah, my race prof. from last fall. In other complete randomness so I don't have to go to bed yet:  I was paid a compliment today. Someone asked me at work where I was from. When I told her, she looked surprised. She said I didn't look like I was from California. I don't know what Californian's look like. But I asked her from where she thought I originated. She said New York City. Sweet. I guess I look like a New Yorker. I'll take it. I suppose it's time to relinquish my California ID.  Ok, it's also time I go to bed.